By Justin Wing
A Crowded Bronco zone... (Photo provided by Sharon Fonzo)
Traffic control is needed on the roads and definitely 30,000 feet up in the sky, but one place it is lacking are the hallways of Poston Butte. The Poston Butte hallways are seriously crowded and the Poston Butte Admin Team have decided to implement an unusual, but sensible decision.
Upon return from Spring Break , Poston Butte’s hallways will be serviced by a new traffic management team much like ADOT. Poston Butte Department of Traffic (PBDOT) will consist of 21 members in every hallway controlling the flow of student traffic. The school is also installing a set of signal lights to further improve the flow in between hallways, the Bronco Zone, and cafeteria. Because of the traffic lights, an extra 5 minutes have been added to passing period times so students don’t get caught up in jams. However, the extra time added to passing periods will be taken out of the time put into Celebration/Remediation. Celebration/Remediation is temporarily canceled until student traffic becomes manageable.
The Poston Butte Admin team made a short statement about this, only saying, “We hope that these traffic lights will decrease the amount of injuries and conflict in the hallways due to overcrowding.”
Sna iL, a senior, commented on this development saying, “I don’t see what the big problem is, I’ve been roaming these hallways since my freshman year, and I get no complaints. The only problem is when people cut me off in the hallways; I’m constantly cut off by people behind me.”
The traffic lights will also be followed by a 3 lane system, with incoming students on the right, and outgoing students on the left. The middle lane is for the students who have to turn into classrooms on the left hand side. The halls of Poston Butte are now turned into a highway system. The Admin team are even calling it the Route 66 of hallways, and how it will be, “The best hallway traffic system the world of education will has ever seen.” Insurance companies are even selling “Student Body Insurance” just in case “students suffer a major collision with another student.”
PBDOT has plans to set up a hallway patrol group called Poston Butte Highway Patrol Division (PBHPD), as an added new form of revenue. Thes division will implement fines for traffic violations to pay for the maintenance of hallway traffic systems, school supplies, and to pay PBDOT and PBHPD employees. Despite warnings from other school officials that this might disrupt the education process, the school’s Admin team have decided to push ahead with the plan, as the system will be up and running the first day back from Spring Break.
The school is obviously committed to this, and probably will be for a long time. The estimated cost of the traffic system in Poston will be approximately $50,000… With the halls looking more like Hunt Highway instead of just any old highway, who knows, maybe the students might trade their shoes out for wheels.
By Justin Wing
Vending machines provide us with a quick snack, and even small forms of satisfaction. However, the School Lunch Program reported an outbreak sweeping across Poston Butte High School.
The recent outbreak is named Vending Machine dependency disorder, or VMdd for short. Symptoms can include,
VMdd can eventually lead to malnutrition, obesity, and a zombie-like trance.
(A students in the Broncozone who seems to have contracted the zombie like trance mentioned in the effects of VMdd; Picture taken at 10:12 AM)
The Poston Butte Admin team labels this as a Class S disorder, meaning that VMdd is easy to get, and it makes the use of vending machines highly addicting.The school is showing obvious signs of this outbreak as vending machines tend to be empty by 4th period.
Ima Dicted, a senior, was asked about what she thought about the recent outbreak, but only responded with tiny mutterings and the occasional glance towards the vending machines behind me.
The school has taken action to prevent VMdd from spreading by setting up times and curfews to limit vending machine use. This turned out to be a catastrophic failure as profits from these services plummeted. The low profits ended up giving the school reason to install new vending machines, which ended up skyrocketing VMdd exposure as students used the vending machines during critical instructional time,
Students were even caught wandering the halls like mindless zombies muttering, “Need vending machines” and “Vending machine good, teachers bad.”
Awareness campaigns have been setup to reduce the use and over dependency of vending machines, prompting students to have to sit through 10 minute lectures about nutrition and the effects of VMdd every single day.
Vending machines have taken the idea of addiction to new highs, and despite the campaigns to raise awareness about nutrition and the banning of use of the vending machines have filled the school, students have ignored these warnings and continued to use vending services. This outbreak may not be eradicated from Poston Butte for years, and it might even spread beyond the school. The only thing we can do now, is wait for all of this to end.
By Justin Wing
A recent Plagiarism graph taken from turnitin.com- Photo by Sharon Fonzo
POSTON BUTTE- The popular website known as Turnitin.com, reported a large glitch that crippled most of Poston Butte HS users. The consequences of this attack is reportedly minor according to Turnitin, but the students of Poston Butte are experiencing the punishment as the whole Sophomore and Freshmen student body suffer.
The result of this glitch revealed mass plagiarism: the identical essay was submitted by the entire 9th and 10th grade. The result: 800 students in Remediation rewriting their essay by hand and a plagiarism stain on their discipline record.
Gabbi Ramos, a Sophomore, was affected by this issue and said, “Turnitin should be banned from schools everywhere! It’s such a pain, I mean I had to stay in Remediation and I had to get appeal to get plagiarism removed from my record!” She expressed how angry and disappointed she was in the company that runs Turnitin.com, and she is currently drawing up a petition to ban Turnitin.com.
Despite these new developments, the Poston Butte administration is still depending on Turnitin, saying, “It’s just a small tiny mistake made by such a large company; we can’t just throw away one of the greatest websites and resources we’ve ever had because of one small mistake!”
Poston Butte continued, “This is all we are disclosing about this incident.” When this statement was released to the student body, there was outrage and protests outside the school with the overall message of, “Poston Butte only cares about itself and not its students.”
If you would actually like to participate in these protests, there is one scheduled for January 23rd outside the courtyard during celebration.
And it turns it, that students aren’t the only ones that are mad; most parents are furious about this matter. Natalie Stephens’s mom weighed in and said, “Poston Butte should know better, and they shouldn’t have the right to falsely give students failing grades because they don’t care.” Ms. Stephens also added that she was more furious about the discipline record, because her daughter, “didn't plagiarize anything” and “that plagiarism will be on her school records forever.” The Poston Butte Administration has been asked to respond to Ms. Stephens’s comment, but they declined because “The results of all disciplinary procedures will not be disclosed to the public.”
Poston Butte has been shrouded in this scandal and mystery for the past couple of days, and despite the student body’s repeated requests to respond to this issue, they stuck with secrecy and said “We have no comment on this matter as of now.” This issue is growing so severe, it might even be brought up at FUSD’s next district board meeting. But for now, all the students of Poston Butte can do is avoid using turnitin.com and rely on other sources to submit their original essays.
Justin Wing is a freshman and our satire columnist.